taking the lsat

I've been studying for the LSAT off and on for over a year. I finally took it this past Saturday. I knew I wouldn't be prepared, but past a certain date, rescheduling just means paying for a whole new test. If I had to spend the money anyway, I’d rather get two tests for the price of two than one for the price of two—so I took the test today and signed up for the April one too.

I think there was a lot bound up in the LSAT for me, but the fact that it took me a long time doesn’t prove that. Anyone can half-ass anything for a long time. Some people half-ass their whole lives. That I paid to "move" my tests, at least once and more probably twice, when I could have just taken two for the same price ... that's the evidence that this was fraught.

I pure one-shotted the ACT. I took it once, and I got a perfect score. For years, this was all I had. This was my proof of exceptional ability. The LSAT is fraught, because I wanted to keep that going with the LSAT. I took the lastest ACT I possibly could — fall of my senior year — to meet the deadline of matriculating in college with my cohort. There is no cohort for law school. People take the test when they want to go to law school¹.

The summer before I took the ACT, I studied for it basically non-stop. I did practice tests every weekend. I was grinding. Not so for law school. The stakes are astronomical (I could lose my reputation as a good test taker!), and the work isn't urgent. My instinct is to open a new tab and distract myself.

I don't think this means that I'm being frivolous about law school. I think it's a combination of perfectionism, competition (Samir got a 170), and maybe a little bit of just generally not knowing what I want to be when I grow up, or what I'm good at. All the Elon companies ask for proof of exceptional ability in their job applications. I'm never sure what to put in that particular text box.

I’ve also been watching the BUDS documentary, which is the documentary about the Navy SEAL class 234 as they go through Basic Underwater Demolition (BUDs) training. Being a Navy SEAL clearly proof of exceptional ability. Only about 20% of the people who enroll actually complete the training, but everyone who joins is put through absolutely grueling paces: mile runs, log carries, push ups at the slightest infraction, boat trips in battering waves, day after day.

What was remarkable to me was that the people who seem to do well in BUDs are kind of ... head empty? Like they will be covered in sand, haven't slept in days, and on camera being like "Oh well. This is fine." The oh well is powerful. The oh well keeps a person focused on moving forward, on doing what they can. The weight-loss program Noom told me that "Oh Well" is a powerful "psych trick". I believe it. Away from perfectionism, from ego, and towards Oh Well.